Confessions of a Caveman

Random Image

2010-02-27T09:58:00.004-06:00

This brought a smile to my face that won't take 2 hours for the coroner to wipe away.

Gambling on Super Bowl XLIV

2010-02-06T23:58:00.008-06:00

Last year I gave my initial take on gambling on the Super Bowl. I will not go into as much detail due to the fact that it is late Saturday night, and most people thought it was boring the first time around. But, for the nerds and degenerates out there, here is my take on betting on this year's game and how my Super Bowl squares came out.

This year I had more luck in my draw for Super Bowl squares and drew the (4,0) and the (6,2) squares, the Colts will always be listed as the first number since they are the favorite to win. My model for valuing the squares which is based off of the results of all prior Super Bowls values these squares at $11.79 and $0.92, respectively. The initial purchase price for each square was $5.00.

Thus I am looking at a theoretical $12.71 of value for my $10.00 investment, or a 27.1% theoretical gain; much better than last years draw where my $4.00 investment was valued at $2.19. The only additional change this year is I purchased a 50% share of the (2,0) square. This investment cost me $1.00 and I project the square has an intrinsic value of $4.99. I am now holding a squares that are theoretically worth $17.70 from an initial investment of $11.00, or a 60.9% gain. I think this was a shrewd deal, but it doesn't matter unless I get paid. I am interested in starting a secondary market for those who are interested in hedging or monetizing their investments in Super Bowl squares in the future, but I realize that most people are not nearly as nerdy or as big of degenerate gamblers as I am.

Now for the more exciting betting. Last year I made projections on the coin toss, winner, over/under and the National Anthem and was correct in most of my projections. Here are my picks for this year:

Coin Toss: Again, this is the dumbest prop bet that is out there, but last year I nearly had the trifecta on this bet. I projected that Pittsburgh would call tails (correct), that the flip would be heads (correct) and that Arizona would elect to receive (incorrect). Arizona was the first team in the history of the Super Bowl to elect to not receive the ball at the beginning of the game. This year I predict the Saints will call tails, the toss will land tails and the Saints will elect to receive.

Winner: Vegas is pretty good at these things and I am going to have to agree with them that the Colts will win. The favorite has won 70% of all Super Bowls and I don't think this one will be any different. The Colts are favored by 5 to 6 points depending on the sportsbook which is a slightly lower spread than usual, but enough to make me uncomfortable betting on the Saints. I personally am rooting for the Saints as I can't stand to think about the fetus-headed Manning winning another Super Bowl.

Over/Under: This is a tough one this year as there are two high flying offensive teams involved that both have weak defenses. The over/under is currently set at 57 which is well above the average of 43. There have only been 8 of 43 Super Bowls that have had more than 57 points scored and the last one was in 2004. Despite my argument above, I think the game could be a little more sloppy than expected and would take the under on this one.

National Anthem: I think this was the easiest money last year with the over/under set at 123 seconds for Jennifer Hudson. Ms. Hudson then went on to sing a 130 second National Anthem. This year Carrie Underwood is set to perform the National Anthem and the line is set at 101 seconds. Scouring YouTube for her performances at sporting events shows that she is averaging about 99-100 seconds per appearance at a major sporting event. Many people think that she would stretch it out for the biggest venue of all sporting events, but the trend for her is getting shorter and shorter with each appearance since 2005. Looking back historically at white artists which average 97.1 seconds compared to black artists which average 116.2 seconds, women which average 113.9 vs. men at 94.2, it is a toss up at where she will come in. The only trend that gives me more confidence in this bet is the fact that country artists average consistently shorter National Anthem times than any other genre. Therefor, bet the under on the National Anthem. I would guess it will come in at 99 seconds.

Well, good luck to everyone in your betting this year and don't come after me if you lose any money. If you are looking for me I will probably be hiding from my bookie for a while.

Sex Trophy

2010-01-27T18:08:00.000-06:00

When you think about it, babies are kind of like trophies that are awarded for doing something right. You practice and practice and eventually you receive an award for all of your effort. The award is a miniature little person that you show off to other people.

This is my crude way of announcing that the 1st Lady and I have just been awarded a sex trophy. The trophy presentation should be sometime in July. We are happy to be awarded this prize, but I have to note that I feel a little unworthy as we should have practiced more.

The Word of the Day

2010-01-19T18:40:00.005-06:00

So The First Lady and I were driving the other day having a conversation that went something like this:

1st Lady: "This song is by Kris Allen."

Me: "He's the guy who beat that gaywad in last season's Idol, right?"

1st Lady: *gives look that somehow shows mild amusement and serious disgust all at once*

"Did you just call him a gaywad?"

Me: "Yeah, why?"

1st Lady: " I have never heard anyone use that word."

Me: "You didn't grow up in Rigby."

We then had a discussion about words that I use that she hadn't heard before. Some of my favorites are, "renob", "bodagit" and "dickfor". Thankfully Napoleon Dynamite brought the word bodagit into the limelight. She's still so glad that she married a 12 year old.

NYC

2010-01-14T20:17:00.005-06:00

Sorry I haven't updated lately, I'm lazy. I was back in NYC this week for work and had a chance to take co-workers to Del Frisco's for steaks and Magnolia for cupcakes and banana cream pudding. I was also reminded of this great clip from the Colbert Report. I am a big fan of the original song with Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, but Colbert's version is a little more realistic for me and the other yuppies.

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Economy

My only issue with this song is the lyrics, "Concrete jungle where dreams are made of". Am I the only one bothered by this atrocious English? Shouldn't it be either, "Concrete jungle that dreams are made of" or "Concrete jungle where dreams are made"? I guess having people edit all of my work (except for my blog, natch) makes me uptight about these things.

Christmas links

2009-12-18T21:34:00.004-06:00

Just a quick lazy post of things that have entertained me so far this Christmas Season:

sketchysantas.com This site is awesome, its amazing what people could get away with before they had to "register".
Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Claus. This video is worth checking out for those who are fans of torture, Jack Bauer and the holidays.
Four-year old Christmas thief. If you think your kids are bad, just check out this kid.
Here's my original post from a few years ago, "Things I Hate About Christmas".

Poker Face

2009-11-25T20:51:00.002-06:00

I've been travelling a lot over the last three weeks, but wanted to quickly post something that I find entertaining. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't spend much time in the dance club, and thus I don't pay much attention to current pop hits, especially ones with annoying lyrics sung by hermaphrodites. Thus, I am not a big Lady Gaga fan, but I found a cover that I think is amazing. Check out Chris Daughtry's version where he completely does a "Chasing Amy" to this song.

This is awesome and shows why he should have won AI; although it may not be as awesome as Christopher Walken's version.

Sexy Time Tunes

2009-11-13T23:46:00.014-06:00

I listen to a lot of music on the ipod on my way to and from work and this summer I really got into soul music. This is pretty far out of my typical playlist, but I really dig it. So listening on the way to work the other day got me thinking of my top songs for getting it on. I know that I have mentioned previously that Devo was the First Lady and I's preferred music for late nights, but this time I'm serious. So without further ado, here are my top three songs for getting it on. (Why three? Because that's all the time I need.)

Let's Get it On by Marvin Gaye

These Arms of Mine by Otis Redding

That's Where It's At by Sam Cooke

The worst song ever for sexy time?

Don't Know Why by Norah Jones

(No one needs that kind of pressure.)

What do you think? Did I miss any?

A little side note, all of these men died early (two of them were shot to death the other died in a plane crash). You may want to add Usher, Justin Timberberlake, D'Angelo or John Mayer to your celebrity death pools this year.

Night Night

2009-11-05T20:17:00.006-06:00

Is it sad that the only song I know to sing to my daughter to get her to bed is "Blue Shadows" as performed by Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander? I learned all of my parenting skills from Lorne Michaels.

YouTube of the Week

2009-10-27T19:41:00.003-05:00

Here is my favorite new local commercial. All local commercials should be this honest.

Best Birthday Ever

2009-10-18T04:16:00.003-05:00

So The First Lady let out the secret that I just had another birthday; she always tries to make it a special day, but birthdays always seem to fall a little flat. I pondered this year what would be the ultimate birthday and here it is:

8:00

Wake Up to a nice "First Lady Massage".

8:05-845

Sweet, sweet lovin.

8:45

Play with kid until bored.

9:00

Bored with kid, hand her off to First Lady.

9:01-9:30

Breakfast delivered by burrito wagon to my house, eat breakfast burritos.

9:30-9:45

Get dressed.

9:45

Give kid to In-Laws as private helicopter picks up First Lady and I to go to airport.

10:00

Make quick side trip to defecate out of helicopter on Al Franken's house.

10:15

Arrive at airport and get on private plane flown by pilot "Sully" Sullenberg to fly to NYC; Sully tells me I'm "The most manly man he's ever met".

10:45-11:30

Join Mile High Club.

12:00

Arrive in NYC.

12:01-12:30

Car service to the city with a drive through Brooklyn throwing canned meat at Hipsters.

12:30-1:15

Eat lunch at Shake Shack after punching every investment banker in the face in line in front of me.

1:15-1:30

Drive by ABC studios in time to watch it catch fire, watch as entire cast of The View runs out of studio on fire, watch with glee as each dies a slow painful death.

1:30-2:30

Head to United Nations and begin punching diplomats from other countries, find Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and Kim Jong Il. Drown Chavez in a vat of oil, kill Ahmadinijad through forced Mike Tyson prison rape, and kick Kim so hard in the balls he dies in a puddle of his own blood and piss.

2:30-3:00

Receive ticker tape parade down 42nd Street with women throwing underwear at me while men applaud and feel self loathing because they're not as awesome as me

3:00-4:00

All the excitement has made the First Lady pretty excited, she takes me to Central Park and does terrible, terrible things to me in the middle of the Great Lawn while a large crowd watches.

4:00-4:05

Everyone in the city enjoys a cigarette after such passionate love making.

4:05-4:20

Take helicopter to new Yankee Stadium, drop a deuce on Barbara Streisand's apartment from the air.

4:20-5:00

Watch beginning of day game against the Twins, Twins score 45 runs in the first inning; Sabathia, Chamberlain, Texeira and Damon all have massive heart attacks and die, Jeter craps his pants and A-Rod takes a line drive to the vagina and cries. Steinbrenner lights himself on fire and stadium burns to the ground with only Twin's fans and team escaping.

5:00-5:20

Helicopter ride back into city, spend flight shooting homeless people from the air.

5:20-5:50

Early dinner at Per Se, order a panda steak with Galapagos tortoise egg soup, dinner is mediocre, tell chef I didn't enjoy it before slapping him.

5:50-7:00

Eat real meal at Bother Jimmy's on Upper-East Side, gorge on brisket then set new record on Buck Hunter game, receive standing ovation.

7:00-7:20

Helicopter flight back to airport.

7:20-8:00

Renew membership in Mile High Club.

8:00-10:00

Arrive at secret island off the coast of South Carolina where celebrities who faked their deaths live and miraculously don't age. Watch Tupac open for Nirvana as Marilyn Monroe serves drinks topless.

10:00-11:00

Hit the poker table against Doc Holiday, John Wayne, Hemingway, George Carlin, Marquis de Sade, Da Vinci, Ghandi, Johnny Cash and Ty Cobb, take everyone's money, Ghandi accuses me of cheating and I slap him on both cheeks.

11:00-12:00

Take private plane and helicopter rides home, renew membership one last time for good measure.

12:01

Kiss The Kid in her crib and pass out in my own bed.

YouTube of the Week

2009-10-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

Your next installment. This is by far one of my favorite videos I have ever seen; it is short, effective, slightly intimate, has a moment of suspense and a surprise ending. I could watch this over and over for days.

YouTube of the Week

2009-10-13T18:30:00.001-05:00

Here's the latest installment of YouTube of the Week. When I first saw this video I took every item out of my recycling bin and threw it in my garbage and it made me feel a little better.

Now where's that exploding head gif when I need it?

Bonne Fete A Toi!!

2009-10-11T06:36:00.005-05:00

There's a perk to hacking into someone else's blog... you can post embarrassing videos and photos of them without them knowing!!

And that is my mission today, this 11th day of October, otherwise known as

Mark's Birthday!!!

I've also discovered that using the desktop to hack into a blog would probably have been wiser given that ever since the wee one was born there are not a whole lot of pictures of just Mark, or us...usually just one of us with her. So, sadly, no embarrassing photos. Just embarrassing video (well not super embarrassing but a sight not a lot of people will ever see in their life!).

Happy Birthday Mark!!

Have a wonderful day.

We love you!

YouTube of the Week

2009-10-08T18:30:00.000-05:00

I thought I would try something new for the blog to keep it updated. So I now introduce a segment I call YouTube of the Week. I will post a random YouTube video that I find amusing every week (maybe more, maybe less). This is perfect for me because all I have to do is link to something someone else has already done. It is lazy, uncreative and sometimes good for a cheap laugh (just like you in the sack). Here is your first video:

Shut Your Cornhole

2009-10-06T21:30:00.001-05:00

So I wrote a lengthy rant a week or so ago about my recent travels through a few Midwestern states and the annoying Midwesterners on my flights. I didn't post it because it was long, mean and unfunny (like my grandpa's wiener dog, RIP Schultz). I figured a better way to sum up my feelings was thus:

Corn should have the following warning label.
Consuming this product in excess may cause you to:
Become oblivious to signs of conversational fatigue
Chat incessantly about things no one cares about such as your family farm, Nebraska's offensive line, your childhood, public parks, cats, your kids, meals on planes, your sciatica, etc.
Gain 30 pounds
Pepper your conversation with plenty of "Oh yeah's" and "You betcha's" like Frances McDormand in Fargo.
Use archaic phrases for race like "oriental" and "colored"
Be overly nice and try to keep strangers company on a plane ride when they obviously are trying to get work done
Speak louder than necessary
Join conversations that don't involve you
Offer a stranger your food or drink because you're not going to finish it

Dress like a 55 year old lesbian

If you can't tell, my flights were awesome.

From the Trailer to the Twins

2009-09-28T21:40:00.004-05:00

For those not watching the AL Central race right now, stop reading, draw yourself a warm bath, lay in it and slit your wrists, because I don't think we can be friends anymore. This is what September is all about; the Tigers up by two games with the Twins playing four of their last seven in Detroit before returning for three final games against the Royals (the last games ever in the Metrodome, aka the worst place in America to watch baseball.) This has all the makings to be a fantastic series and is the only real playoff race worth watching; until the Rockies drop a few more games and get chased by the Marlins or Braves.

This is a great time to be a sports fan in either Minnesota or Detroit. The Twins are in the hunt for the playoffs, the Vikings are playing great football with Purple Jesus and Farvaro (watch this vid from yesterday's game) and the Wild begin playing soon. For Detroit fans, the Tigers have a two game lead in the Central division, the Lions finally won a game, the Redwings start soon and UofM is showing signs of life. It's a good thing that sports are keeping people interested in something in these states otherwise people would be committing suicide in great numbers due to high unemployment, freezing temperatures around the corner and politicians like Al Franken representing them.

Quick side note, I spent two years in Detroit on an LDS mission and have never been to a more miserable place. There are months where you never see the sun during Winter, the constant gunshots, rampant unemployment, racism, liberal, dirty, uneducated politicians and terrible sports teams make for chronic depression. As terrible as the city sounds, I came to love the rotting architecture and the general gloominess of the city. Driving around last week made me remember how depressing the city is while looking back fondly at riding a bike home at night while trying not to get shot. There are two options for the soundtrack that plays in my head while in Detroit.

1st:

2nd:

(This video has awful language and by awful I mean three, four, five and six letter words and is brought to you by the letters F and N; yet somehow the singing is worse than the lyrics. This is an edited version, but you still get a pretty good idea of what they're saying. )

My allegiances have been tested since moving to Minnesota. I was always a Tigers fan, but have adopted the Twins now. Both teams could sure use a good playoff run and as long as someone beats the Yankees I'll be happy. So what's your opinion, do the Twinkies have a chance? Am I a chump for switching teams after so many years? Would you rather get cancer than spend a week in Detroit?

You Are Embarassing Us

2009-09-08T20:52:00.005-05:00

Just a quick little rant tonight. I stumbled across a TV blog talking about a new special on multiple birth families that linked to this article. Apparently TLC's new show "Multitude of Multiples" followed a Mormon couple with quintuplets. This blog is not about how many children people have, if you want to treat your vagina like a clown car than feel free.

What does bother me is the trend of Mormons giving their children stupid names. The Mormon couple on the TV show named their kids: Kassidy, Kaydence, Kyndall, Rustin and Ryder. Now I realize this topic has been beat to death on multiple friend's blogs, but I guess it needs repeating. STOP GIVING YOUR KIDS STUPID NAMES. You are making the rest of us look uneducated and backwards by giving your kids such "unique" names. Do you think these parents stopped to think that the KKK names might look bad, especially given misperceptions about their religion? Will Kaydence ever be able to resist peer pressure and do her own thing? Is Ryder destined to work for a moving company?

This is a true story. After listening to a baby blessing in Sacrament meeting one Sunday I had to ask my wife, "Did they really name their kid a female body part?". It turns out the kids name was pronounced slightly different, but was very close. I'm a huge fan of this certain part of a woman's anatomy, but not naming your kid after it.

Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of non-traditional names given the following caveats; it is easy to spell, there is a legitimate reason behind it and it doesn't make you sound like you're from Alabama. My daughter's name is Tennyson which has given my wife and I plenty of opportunities to judge people based on their reaction to the name. Tennyson was Poet Laureate of the U.K. in 19th Century and wrote many beautiful poems. When people ask us if we named our daughter after the poet, I assume they are well educated and sophisticated. When people ask us where we came up with that name or simply give us a mouth-breathing stare, I assume they have a kid named Rustin at home.

These Are The People In Your Neighborhood

2009-09-02T20:19:00.008-05:00

Welcome to my new favorite site for this week, www.peopleofwalmart.com. The site is dedicated to pictures of people taken at Walmart. It is disturbing, hard to believe and beautiful all at the same time (kind of like your mom). Below are a few of my favorites.

The site reminded me too much of this music video not to post it.

Public Transportation

2009-09-01T20:30:00.000-05:00

Having lived in NYC for a few years I think that I'm pretty immune to being surprised by things on public transportation, but the other day I saw something that truly made me do a double take. So I'm on the bus when I glance over at the guy across from me, who looks very normal on the outside....

and then I notice that he is reading "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks.

I've done a lot of embarrasing things in public in my life, but I draw the line at reading a Nicholas Sparks novel. Don't get me wrong, when Noah tells Allie, "It still isn't over" and passionately kisses her in the rain, I get as choked up as any other four-time bridesmaid with two cats, but I still don't think a man should read that book in public. Here are a few questions to debate in the comments: Was he reading this on his own, or did his significant other ask him to do it? For the women readers, Would you be completely freaked out by a guy who read "The Notebook" in public, or would you be impressed? To the male readers, Can testicles really shrivel up and turn into ovaries?

The Greatest Hits

2009-08-20T21:02:00.000-05:00

Since this is a new blog and there may be some new readers, I thought I would link to my favorite posts on my old blog. I think they are funny, but you will probably just be offended, enjoy.

Ode to Rigby

Interview with Stephenie Meyers

Chain Restaurant Bingo

Things I Hate

How to Mess Up Your Kids

Pregnancy Pet Peeves

Things I Hate About Christmas

Naming the Blog

2009-08-20T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that choosing a name for this blog took about three weeks. I already had the first few posts ready to go before deciding on a name for this clever little blog. So why did I end up with a rather mundane name like "Confessions of a Caveman"? Because I'm not very creative or original.

I have to admit that picking a name was much harder than I thought it would be. I tried to pick something that conveyed who I am, what the blog's content would be and was catchy and easy to remember. I had lots of ideas, but most were lame and others were too crude to be linked to my Grandmother's Blog. So Instead of offending people everytime they come here I will just do it once below. Without further ado, rejected names for this blog, by category:

Nicknames I've had or wish I had.
Canadian Roughrider
Attila the Hungry
Attila the Hung
Fat Irish Prick
The Anal Analyst

Descriptors of the blog.
Mark's Madness
Mark's Manifesto
Mumblings of a Right Wing D-Bag
Poop and Penis Joke Compendium
Kate Gosselin's #1 Fan
Gambling Tips from a Mormon
The Dumbest Thing You'll Read All Day
Mark's Myocardial Infarction

Lady's Love Lower Back Hair

Current events.
Caradine's School of Knots
Michael's Prescription List
Team Edward
Joe Simpson's School for Fathers

Pujol's Poohole

Purple Jesus Will Save Us

Places.
1J Everyday
Trojan Fail
Cosmopolitan Coon Rapids
Anoka's A-Hole

What do you think? Did I miss any obvious ones? Give me your suggestions in the comments.

The Beginning of the End

2009-08-20T21:00:00.001-05:00

I've been cramping "The First Lady's" blog for some time with my random ramblings, phallic humor and embarrassing stories, so I decided to launch my own blog. I plan on being an active blogger on here since I don't have another team member to pick up my slack. I realize that most of the people who read this blog are people whose own blogs are used to keep up with family and friends or as a journal to be kept for posterity. This is not one of those blogs. As a matter of fact, I kind of hope my posterity never sees this.

Why I blog.
If you've read any of my past blog posts here, you've probably noticed that I write with a sick lack of self awareness. I blog to entertain. Occasionally I post something that is just for me, but usually I write so that others can be entertained. Ask Mel and she will tell you that I am a huge attention whore constantly checking the traffic counter and seeing if anyone left a comment after I post something. I hope that you enjoy this new adventure. I will try to be entertaining, offensive and brutally honest in this blog, so please enjoy and leave a comment every once in a while.

What you can expect.
Nothing, what do you think this is Burger King. The plan is for this little site to be a place for my random thoughts, dirty jokes, stories from my youth, political rants, favorite links, my views on modern entertainment and pictures of my belly. This will not be a journal or quick little updates about my life. I suck at Facebook and I don't tweet because I don't think anyone really cares about my most recent bowel movement or what I thought about So You Think You Can Dance. I would love to write a little about work, but regulations will probably keep me from doing so.

Why you should come back.
If you've ever been aroused by an auto accident, blown something up, tortured animals, laughed at a dirty joke, eaten a whole bag of Cheetos in one sitting or embarrassed your family and friends in a very public forum then you will probably be an avid reader of this blog (there's even a follower tool on the sidebar). I don't promise to update regularly, be funny or try to make sense, but I will try to be entertaining. So please, update your reader and come give the old caveman a little love every once in a while.